Fierce Self-Compassion: Week 1

Welcome (or welcome back) to book club!

Here’s the reading plan in case you need a refresher: Weekly Breakdown

And—if you haven’t started reading yet, no worries! You’re not behind. Jump in whenever you can. The plan has flexibility built in, so you can join us at any point and still get a lot out of the reflections and discussion.

This week, instead of tackling three chapters (intro, Ch1 & Ch2), I’m focusing on the Introduction and Chapter 1. (Yes, I already leaned into one of those “catch-up weeks” as I am still reading Chapter2).

First up, how are you reading the book?

I’m curious what format everyone is using: audiobook, e-reader, or hard copy?

Personally, I have a strong attachment to physical books, but practicality won out while I am traveling/working remotely this week & next. I ended up buying the e-book for Apple Books, which has been… an adjustment but going OK so far. I also noticed Kristin Neff doesn’t narrate the audiobook herself, which surprised me. Over the years, some clients have told me they don’t love her voice in guided meditations, so maybe that’s a plus? If you’re listening, I’d love to hear what you think of the narrator. Also, if you're interested, these free guided mediations are excellent - 10/10 would recommend.

If you’re newer to Neff’s work, her first book Self-Compassion is a solid intro (a bit slow in places, but worth it). I’d recommend skipping Chris Germer’s The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion —it has too much diet culture mixed in which I find really aggravating. My personal favourite so far is Neff’s Self-Compassion Workbook—fantastic prompts for reflection, whether solo, with a friend, or in therapy. Also, her site has excellent free resources: self-compassion.org.

Introduction Chapter

The intro felt a little slow at times, but it covers key groundwork: what self-compassion is, why it matters, and how it differs from self-esteem. If you’re newer to this, that distinction might feel eye-opening & its an important distinction be to aware of.

One part that caught my attention was the reference to “hysterical strength”—the story of a mother lifting a car to save her child. Funny enough, after reading that story in Neff's book, later the same day, reading another book, it referenced the same story.

Naturally, after reading about this twice in one day I tried to look into more & found multiple versions online, some calling it an urban legend, and others there are some suggesting this first was documented in 1964, others that it happened in 1982

Here’s an interesting bbc article relating to it: here

Regardless, I couldn’t help noticing the term “hysterical strength,” (hysterical because this involves moms/women, ugh). Yet another example of how deeply gendered bias runs in our language. It wasn't that long ago that “women’s hysteria” was in the DSM.

Anyways, back to the book...

The intro closes with a short self-compassion scale (12 quick questions). If you haven’t already, I highly recommend filling it out—it’s a great way to check in with yourself now, and compare later as we move through the book. In case your curious, my score this week was 3.45, which felt accurate and also is higher than it has been in the past - historically my self compassion scale score was pretttty low.

I also loved this reminder (highlighted in yellow), and its worth a few re-reads:

Intro Chapter Discussion questions:

• Did the self-compassion scale reveal anything surprising about how you treat yourself or was it about what you expected?

• How much or little to know about self compassion/mindful self compassion as you get started with this book?

Chapter 1

I loved this line:

“Do NOT do unto others as you do unto yourself, or you’ll have no friends.”

Isn’t it so true that we’re often harsher with ourselves than with anyone else—even people we dislike? In my clinical work, this rings true with my clients over and over again -- that compassion is so naturally applied to friends AND enemies, and yet not to ourselves.

Chapter 1 also introduces exercises right away (I wasn’t expecting that so soon!). I was reading on a train, so no, I did not stand up and loudly shout “No!” three times. That said, I do agree with the value of trying these physical practices (in private), to notice how they land in your body (somatically experiencing them is effective and important).

The elements of self-compassion (mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness) may feel simple (and a bit dull to read about?), but in practice they’re tough to apply in the moment—particularly because it’s the joint combination/application of all 3 elements that really matters. I also appreciated Neff’s reminder that even if our harsh self-talk seems “contained,” it inevitably spills over into how we show up with others.

I also really liked this passage about how the fight/flight/freeze response relates to our inner critic/harsh self talk and the helpful ways self compassion supports us when in these emotional states:

Discussion questions (Chapter 1):

• What do you think of the highlighted passage above?

• Did you try the “No!” exercise? What was that experience like (or why didn’t you)?

• Of the three elements—mindfulness, common humanity, kindness—which one do you find most challenging to practice?

• How do you notice your inner voice shaping the way you treat others? (because it does!)

Week 1 Big Picture/TLDR:

Week 1 reading felt a little slow to me, but I'm hoping it sets a solid foundation for what’s coming.

Discussion questions (Week 1):

• What format are you reading/listening in, and how is it shaping your experience?

• What feels most exciting or daunting as we begin this book?

• How would you describe your current relationship with self-compassion, in a sentence or two?

That’s it for Week 1! Share your reflections in the comments, and I’ll see you next week when we dig deeper into the next chapter(s).