Fierce Self Compassion Book Club: Week 5

Hey friends! Not sure about you, but October has felt like one of those months that just refuses to end. How is it still October?? And for another whole week! 🍁 Also the jump from warm early-fall days to suddenly dark, wet, windy chaos out there was ... abrupt. 🌧️

I hope you’re reading this somewhere cozy with a blanket and something comforting in your hands. I, personally, discovered eggnog at the grocery store this week — so this post is brought to you by many mugs of eggnog coffee (highly recommend) ☕✨

Quick overall book impression check-in:

✔️ The content + practices = so important

❌ The tone sometimes = a liiiittle academic/dry... Which means occasionally zoning out and rereading the same paragraph with zero memory of the previous sentence 😅 If that’s been you too, you’re in excellent company.

Chapter 7: Meeting Our Needs

This chapter is a big one. The whole thing centers around a deceptively simple question:

“What do I need?”

I smiled reading this because there’s one client who — every time I ask this question — gives me a look that is a combo of smile + groan/mild complaint because YES, it’s the right question AND it is SO HARD to answer.

It asks us to:

• Notice how we’re actually doing

• Identify what needs are unmet

• THEN figure out what would help

Sometimes we do know what we need…but life constraints sometimes mean we can’t fully meet that need immediately, or we self-invalidate and think the need is “too much.” (Spoiler: it probably isn’t.) AND, this is not a skill most of us learned growing up - not at school or in our families or in society so its not something we are practiced or skilled at (yet).

I appreciated Neff’s breakdown of needs vs wants vs goals vs values — but also:

🤦‍♀️ Why, oh why are the example goals always to “lose weight”?? Can diet culture please just go away? It’s exhausting that authors keep normalizing goals rooted in anti-fat bias and implying they’re somehow “healthy” or acceptable.

⭐ Practices to Try

• Providing Self-Compassion Break (7 mins)

• Living a Fulfilling Life ACT journal activity (p. 187)

If you were listening in the car or in public and skipped them — this is your gentle nudge to sit down & give these a go ❤️

Chapter 8: Becoming Our Best Selves

Neff starts out this chapter with a doozy:

“A major impediment to practicing self-compassion is the fear that we’ll be lazy and unmotivated if we’re not incredibly hard on ourselves.” (p. 193)

I have never met a client who does not hold this fear. Not. One.

We cling to the idea that self-criticism = success, even though:

there is zero science supporting that cruelty or shame helps us thrive

Instead:

“When I can trust that even if I blow it, I won’t cruelly turn on myself but instead be supportive, it establishes the sense of safety needed to take risks.” — Neff (p. 194)

Those risks might be:

• Leaving an unhealthy relationship

• Going back to school “late” in life

• Trying dating again

• Applying for your dream job

• Learning a new skill or hobby - being a beginner and being bad at whatever it is as you start to learn

• or..... the risk might be continuing to choose eating disorder recovery over the relief of listening to your ED

Safety → Courage → Growth

And yet… letting go of the inner critic can feel terrifying.

Some of my fave excerpts from Ch8:

Also this:

And on Motivation....

“Self compassion allows us to motivate ourselves out of love not fear, and it’s much more effective.” (p. 201)

We can intellectually agree AND still deeply fear it.That’s normal. That’s human. That’s why we practice.

Practice recommendation:

Motivating Change with Compassion (called Motivating Self-Compassion Break on this guided practice page)

And yet again… why do habit-change examples always revolve around diet culture? Seriously, why?! I wish authors would stop using these examples. I’m over the abelism, diet culture, capitalism, and the patriarchy telling us to not eat sugar or "exercise more" -

Ok, deep breaths… back to these chapters.

✨ Final Thought This Week

Becoming our “best selves” isn’t about perfection — it’s about having our own back.

It’s learning to be someone who says:

“I won’t abandon you here. Even when this is messy.”

I know that might sound cheesy and also, its effective. We can't sustainably bully ourselves into transformation (as much as we keep trying again and again with the inner critic/bully tactics)

⏱️ If You Only Have 5 Minutes…

Try one tiny thing:

• Put a hand on your heart, Ask: “What do I need right now?”

• Offer yourself one small thing that meets that need

• When your inner critic shows up: Say: “I’m supporting you because you matter.”

Small moments of support → big changes over time. 🌱

Also: reminder that next week is a catch-up / rest week 💤 so I will be back with another blog post in 2 weeks!

Happy Halloween Week everyone! 🎃