In just under 15 weeks I will hopefully be at the start line of my 3rd Marathon.
But wait, let me backup.
In September 2021 I sat on my couch, just back from the Sunshine Coast Trail (SCT) where I hiked alone for 13 days. Over those 13 days I walked, listened to an audiobook, thought about nothing and everything: work, dating, money, life in Victoria, COVID, burnout, friendships, family.... In the middle of those 13 days I also turned 35. Turning 33 and 34 made me feel sad and uncertain (thank-you global pandemic), but turning 35 on the top of Tin Hat Mountain, getting to facetime with family and watch a stunning sunset, I felt at peace. Returning home, I jumped straight into all things family and work. I started subcontracting for a local psychologist. I also continued to build my private practice while still working 24hours a week at the regional Eating Disorders Program (EDP). Oh, and an old friend had a major mental health crisis on my last day of work for EDP.
Anyways… the week after returning home from the SCT (September 2021), I sat on my couch and talked to my therapist about work and life and my dreams for my future, and about burnout. She asked me what I thought was best for my well-being. I knew then that I needed to quit my secure government job/pay-cheque and that I needed and wanted to work less – for my mental, emotional and physical well-being. I couldn’t see a way out before January 2022 but ultimately by late September I rather spontaneously gave my employer 6 weeks’ notice. When I put in my notice I also reached out to my running coach Lindsay and said, in 6 weeks, I want to find a way back to running and I want help setting small SMART goals to prevent injury and prioritize my love of running and time for myself. I naively thought that as soon as I dropped my job job, that I would have SO much time and energy to do all the things that I love more. I mean, I would have 24h free in a week, some of that would make time for running right? Wrong. Instead, during those final 6 weeks at EDP I was insanely tired and also scared to go out completely on my own. Risk of failure felt high and as more clients reached out, I took on more and more private clients. I finished my last day at my secure job with benefits and somehow felt like I was still working just as much. Wasn’t I supposed to have 24 more hours all to myself each week? Where did that time go? I wasn’t running. Or getting enough sleep. Or seeing friends or reading fun fiction books. I was working and sleeping and not much else. I was falling behind on keeping up with house chores, and falling behind on administrative aspects of my job. It was a lot (too much). I was even working on Christmas Day because it was all so much all the time and I didn’t really have time to take days off. And I was scared about failing and not being able to pay my bills. I wanted so badly to succeed, to be good at my job and prove to myself and others that I could successfully work for myself. With Lindsay’s ongoing encouragement of kindness and compassion around my desire but failure to get back to running, I was able to start to fight for a bit of consistency. By mid-January and really was able to actually achieve more consistency and by February thanks to the practical run support of Stacie and Kristie who so kindly continue to meet me where I am at and run/walk at whatever pace I can manage on any given day. So, it was in the chaos of the end of 2021 and start of 2022, I started to dream up some run goals and milestones I wanted to work my way back to again.
I asked myself, with true curiosity, why do I want to train for a race? Why do I want to run? Why another Marathon?
The simplest answer to this question was also the most honest: because I wanted to.
And isn’t that reason enough?
So yes, I decided to run a Half Marathon May 1st and sign up for a full Marathon October 2 2022 because I wanted to go. Because long-distance running is one of my most beloved practices.
I have also asked myself, “What do you most want to practice while training for this Marathon”?
I want to practice upping my mileage so I can run 30+ km in one run
I want to practice speaking more gently to myself in moments when I am struggling
I want to practice both consistently showing up for my runs and allowing myself to listen to my body and give myself permission to not run as needed while training
I want to practice more rest
I want to practice scheduling more blank space into my days and weeks so that I am better able to show up to things that are important to me: running, family, friends, dating, reading, meditation, sleep
… and I keep asking myself this question and keep adding to this list. It has become its own sort of practice.
Some key pieces I hope to emphasize and highlight, as someone who values and believes in a Health at Every Size (HAES) approach to wellness and wellbeing, is that this fall Marathon goal is not about changing the size or shape of my body. This goal is not about shaming myself to “exercise because it’s good for my mental health.” I do not have any appearance or specific time-based performance goals linked to my Marathon goals. I am also actively staying away from comparison thinking as much as I can – this is not about being as “fast” or “strong” or “fit” as I used to be at ___ age or in ____ year. I wholeheartedly believe in joyful movement – that movement is about self-expression and self-love, about finding moments of joy in our days outside of the things we have to do to survive in this capitalist world. Over the next 15 weeks I am hoping to spend more time reflecting, writing, sharing the wins and the struggles as I work on compassionately making my way to the start line of my 3rd Marathon.
Until next time,
Monica
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