I am currently sitting in a coffee shop in Bath, choosing not to push myself to continue to explore as much of the city as I possibly can in the time I have. Later this afternoon I am catching the train to Crawley to visit my friend Aimee. I am enjoying an amazing “Flat White” and fun coffee shop tunes.
This excerpt from a recent newsletter by Nicole Antoinette perfectly captures how I am feeling right now:
“The sigh of relief in finally accepting that I am not willing to be a “do whatever it takes person”—and that in fact the things that I want most would never require me to put in that kind of all-or-nothing effort—has been profound.
The fulfillment of my desires will never again come at the expense of my own well-being, because the moment I begin to sacrifice myself the goal is no longer worth it.
What does that mean for my future? For the Big Life I am supposed to want? Who knows. For now, I am turning away from all that, and turning toward my soft ambition instead.
Soft ambitions. Right-size dreams that honor our true capacity. Fulfillment on our own terms with absolutely nothing to prove to anyone, ever. What if that could be exactly enough?”
I’m currently 1 week away from the Loch Ness Marathon, still on the fence about whether or not I show up at the start line. Currently, I think my plan is to line up at the start, go for as long as I can or want, and then stop when I need to stop… and try and flag a cab? Or something? I haven’t quite figured that part out yet.
For now, let me rewind back a couple weeks.
Last time I wrote an update, I was just about to head out for another long run. I was feeling really hopeful going into it, and about 90min into the run I was feeling confident I could complete all 4h 15min of it. Then, I am not entirely sure what happened. My right side felt tingly, breathing was a major struggle and even trying to walk it out felt nearly impossible. Thankfully, my friend Stacie, who was going to run the last stretch with me, met me at the nearest Elk Lake exit she could and drove me back to my car as I cried. I was also finally feeling the pain of the chafing on my back. It turns out, running in a sports bra with a hydration pack is NOT a good idea. It’s 2 weeks later and it’s still not fully healed. I cried quite a bit on the trail and in Stacie’s car – tears of exhaustion and of disappointment and sadness. Note, this is not the same thing as being hard on myself – self compassion is a skill I practice regularly and am quite readily able to tap into it as needed in hard moments.
The following week was a blur of working, sleeping, packing and sorting out home and travel logistics. I made it on a Saturday afternoon ferry to the mainland and pushed my final long run attempt to Sunday. I woke up early Sunday and drove down to Kits, my former rent-controlled backyard, and ran along the false creek and Stanley park seawalls, enjoying some shade and cooler morning air (gosh I love crisp fall air in the mornings and evenings). My run coach Lindsay suggested I do what I could to complete 3.5h and then call it a win (despite the original plan being a 4.5h run). Finally, on week 3 of 3 attempting my longest training runs, finally a success! I pressed pause on my watch at 3h 37min, tossed my Birkenstocks on and limped my way to meet my former roommate and his boyfriend for lunch – so so good for my soul. And they bought me lunch – the sweetest.
The final stretch of hours between that lunch and getting to the airport around 1pm the next day included family time, finalizing packing and wrapping up as much work as I could.
There are many different types of tired. Before leaving on vacation the to do list of errands, packing, house chores and work seemed insurmountable. I was tired but more than that, I was overwhelmed and at times hopeless about getting it all done.
Spoiler: I didn’t get it all done.
There’s likely about 3-5 days worth of non-client administrative work to tackle. Faxes to health care providers so that I can fight for consistent and appropriate ED care that I would have liked to write before leaving but will have to wait. On the topic of “why is private therapy so expensive” – there are a lot of hours and things involved in running a business that are all part of the hourly client fees.
Anyways…
Once I was on the plane, I fell asleep hard and then woke up again about an hour later. 6.5h to go on the flight with a squirmy 7yo beside me (which I suppose is better than behind me). I tried to connect to the flight's wifi and get some work done but alas, it didn’t let me connect. I found an old rom com, Say Anything, and watched that instead. This was also my first flight with noise cancelling headphones – I cannot recommend these enough, it made a massive difference in terms of resting and enjoying the flight. For most of the flight I was in that weird zone where I was too tired to read or watch a show but not quite tired (or comfortable) enough to sleep. So, I “rested” - eye mask, noise cancelling headphones, N95 mask and my jacket as a blanket for a few hours… until I finally fell asleep again, just in time to wake up to land and switch planes.
I carried on to London, slept for most of that 3h flight, then fought to wake up, clear customs and get on the tube… then fought to stay awake on the tube as well, hoping I didn’t miss my stop, coaching myself to keep going to the hotel to check in. Thankfully they gave me an early check in but of course as soon as I checked in I was wide awake, excited and happy to be in London. I made my way to the half-priced ticket booth, forgetting it’s 2022 and I could have bought tickets online. Oh well. I waited in the line with other tourists, mostly 60+, and ultimately decided to see “&Juliet”, a musical with covers of 90s and 00s pop songs. My strategy to stay awake as long as possible to help with jet lag. It seemed to work and I was feeling hopeful and then… slept for 12.5 hours (what?!) and woke up close to 1pm. Whoops! So much for my full day in London. Feeling groggy and unsure what to do, I had a snack, looked up shows and decided I would grab a meal and matinee… more food and then an evening show. That seemed to be the right pace and energy exertion for my body that day. I felt great all afternoon and evening, fell asleep aroundmidnight, happy and hopeful I had adjusted to the UK time zone… then I woke up at 330am and by 430 got up to read … and tried to sleep again at 530 (no luck) so got out of bed at 630.
Coffee, breakfast & a run were magic - it was so fun to run along the Thames, mixed in with all the morning walk, run and cyclist commuters. It was easy to daydream about what it would be like to be one of them, living life in London.
I had a lot of fun running, walking, sprinting, and more running along the Thames – all the way out to the London Tower Bridge - which is FREE to cross. Once on the Southbank of the river, I continued to run, quite familiar with my surroundings now, and when it started to feel less fun, I stopped and grabbed a latte and more food. From there, I wandered back to the hotel, enjoying the sunny, warm London morning. After getting back to the hotel & having a hot shower, my body was finally ready to sleep but I needed to pack up and head out.
Off to Bath
Once on the train I promptly awkwardly fell asleep on top of one of my carry-on bags. I set an alarm on my phone so I wouldn’t miss my stop and end up in Bristol. Bath is a gorgeous city to walk and wander through, with the main tourist attraction being the old ruins of Roman Baths and a stop of interest for me, the former home of Jane Austen. The city has a university feel to it, with 2 universities on the outskirts of the downtown core. As the evening approached, I grabbed a taxi to take me to the most beautiful fairy-tale town in the Cotswolds: Castle Coomb.
Bruges (Belgium) is known as a “fairy-tale town” but after spending a couple of nights in Castle Coomb, I have to say this little idyllic spot wins for me. No buildings have been built in the town since the 1600s, so the 1-room cottage I stayed in was certainly old and felt like something out of a movie. My body is also clearly still tired, I slept for 14h of deep sleep my first night there, still taking it slow and listening to my body, which is asking me for more rest and sleep than my rational brain judges as “reasonable.” I wandered the tiny town, sat in the sunshine and also spent a lot of time on the couch in my quaint little cottage.
And now, back in Bath, I am wrapping up my 5 days of solo travel with an extended coffee shop journaling, blogging, and reading session – it feels perfect to be slowing down and just be. I have enjoyed the solo travel time, particularly as I’ve navigated such high levels of fatigue and my sleep schedule has been all over the place. Also, as an extrovert who feels energized being around others, I am looking forward to catching up with my friend Aimee tonight and then reuniting with my run buddy Kristy tomorrow when she lands in London! Then, off to Scotland! EEEK!
Will I run the marathon? Will I run the 10k? Will I start the Marathon and then quit part way? I really have no clue what is going to happen, and maybe that is perfectly okay.